Memories of Benjamin

One Year

2009-03-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

A year has gone by, and all I can say is... I still miss you little man. You are and will always be my very best friend.

This is the song that has been playing in my head all day...

I Still Miss You
by Keith Anderson

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

More Verses to a Special Song

2009-03-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

At Benjamin's funeral we sang I am a Child of God. That song will always have such a special place in my heart and always remind me of my blessed child. Today while I was reading a friends blog I found a link to another mom whose daughter just returned Home and I was so touched by these additional lyrics I had to post them.

I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open armsOne bright Celestial day.

--Donna Kulliard

A Special Song

2008-12-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

While on my misssion in Florida I had some talented sister missionaries that I served with, one was my trainer Sister Garrett. At the time she shared with me songs she had composed and recorded and I was in awe by the beautiful music with such touching lyrics. Recently I was thinking about these songs when I remembered one that touched my heart. The lyrics just really echo thoughts and feeling Richard and I have talked about a lot so I thought I would share them....

Heaven

Composed by Erin (Garrett) Hatch

You used to be near to me, I wonder how you're doing for now you're home in heaven.
So many things you gave me, but most of all you're memory is burned in me forever.
What is it like to be surrounded by so many loving faces you've nit seen for sometime?
No doubt you are progressing to higher grounds where you'll be found in God's kingdom.
So when I hear a child sing and feel the peace surround me that must be like home in heaven.

Chorus:
That is the key to where you'll be awaiting me in heaven, in heaven, I'll find you there in heaven.

When sunbeams fall from the sky and find me to dry my eyes
I'll remember you in heaven.
For God would not want me to spend all my life missing you
for soon we'll be together.
So let us rejoice on the friendship we have that
we established on this earth and its built to last.
Think happy thoughts on spending eternity with family and soon with me.
So put a smile on your face and I will do just the same for
I'll see you in heaven.

Chorus:
That is the key to where you'll be awaiting me in heaven, in heaven, I'll find you there in heaven.

I'll see you again in heaven.

When Daddy Comes Home

2008-12-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

There were many times when it got close for me to come home from work and Erin would call me and have Ben talk to me. Ben would always tell me that he could see me. "I see you" he would say and I would respond "no way, I'm not even close to the house," but he would still say "I see you". That was really fun to talk to him on the phone like that and to see that he was excited for me to come home.

Dude...

2008-11-23T23:13:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite memories is when Benjamin came home from being at the Alexanders home and he came up to me and put his hand in the air balled into a fist and said "Dude." It was so cute to see that he had learned to do the Rock. Whenever we would meet people Ben would always say Dude and would put up his hand. So heres to you Ben, " DUDE."

On All Fours

2008-11-12T21:56:00.001-08:00

Well I remember when I would get home from work and would play with Benjamin many times would he want to jump on my back like he was riding a horse. I miss this activity with him, he would get the gigles and we would just have the greatest time trying to balance on my back so he wouldnt fall off.

A Daisy

2008-11-05T23:51:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog from a lady whose daughter returned to heaven this summer. On it she was talking about how for each of her children she has found a flower that symbolizes them. Her dauther Camille, is her tulip

I turned around and asked myself what flower reminds me of Ben and instantly I knew the answer....

When I think of Daisies I think of how their simple beauty brighten up the world and bring joy to all who see them. Tonight I took it a step further and looked up the symbolism and it was just too perfect...innocence, youth, gentleness.

Yes, our Benjamin is a daisy.

Purple People Eater

2008-10-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

As most people who know me, know very well that Halloween is my favorite time of the year. But I can honestly say that last Halloween was the best one I have ever experienced. To start Ben had his own pumpkin and rather than letting him carve it we allowed him to draw on it. Little did we know that this pumpkin was not his target. After about 10 minutes of carving our pumpkins Erin and I looked up only to see that Ben had completely colored himself purple. Erin and I just broke into a fit of laughter. Thank goodness for washable crayola markers.

I Hope You Dance

2008-10-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Benjamin loved to dance. Whenever music started he would be out in the middle of the floor dancing with the best of them. With two boys who are dance fanatics you can only imagine it was more than once a week that our living room was turned into a dance floor.

Don't let us fool you though, this kid had rhythm and some great moves. His favorite move at all though was to "shake his booty" which meant putting his hands flat on the ground, sticking his butt in the air and bouncing it up and down. Richard and I would laugh every time.

He was also quite the jealous little boy. If Richard and I tried to dance with eachother he would insist on cutting in. We would happily scoop him up and do a three-person slow dance or at othertimes I would get the boot and the two boys would dance.

I Remember.......

2008-10-24T01:03:00.000-07:00

You know Erin and I decided this last sunday that we needed to post weekly our thoughts and memories of Ben and that in time it would become a tradition in our family.

So what i remember is that when Ben was only 3-5 months old he would always fall asleep in the weirdest of places and in the most uncomfortable positions. I loved this the most because it was a time when i could just watch and enjoy his presence. Even when he was alive he grew out of doing that and i really missed that but now i really miss it everyday when i get to hold Eraleigh.

A Mother's Love

2008-10-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.

But God can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied

With confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

Benjamin was just so perfect

There was no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here.

He meant the world to all of us

And I really need him near.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see his beautiful smile

And with other children say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come back here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who has so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here.

"So you see my dear sweet one

Your baby is okay.

Your little Benjamin is here in My home

And this is where he'll stay.

He'll wait for you in heaven

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

He'll be here waiting for you.

Oh the joy you two will have

As you embrace and hug so tight.

You'll never be apart again

And all will be alright.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you've had so much of

Right from the very start.

-Anonymous

A Special Tribute

2008-10-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not here, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken,
in the morning's hush,
I am the soft uplifting rush of
quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I did not die.